Sex at Dawn: Do Conventional Relationships fit our Evolution?

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 26, 2012

Sex! I thought that would get your attention. This blog is about divorce and family law. Do you think that sex has anything to do with that? Of course, it does — a whole lot of it. That being said — and established, in my opinion — I firmly posit that the better we understand sexuality, our psychology and our history (and prehistory) the better we are better able to  understand why we feel the way we do. And maybe the less likely we are to do something stupid– and are you surprised that there is a lot of stupidity in divorce and family law?

In their book, Sex at Dawn, co-Authors and spouses, Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. and Cacilda Jetha, M.D. , choose to explode the conventional view on the prehistory of human sexuality and human sexual evolution. They begin with setting out the Standard Narrative of human sexual evolution, that being: Human females jealously guard their sexual activity due to the costs of pregnancy and seek to attract genetically superior men with whom to have children, while freewheeling males seek to spread their genetics among as many willing partners as possible, all the while they  jealously guard their mates to ensure the paternity of any offspring. The authors take this narrative and begin to look at primate sexuality, alternative explanations of female and male behavior, and even the role of agriculture in shaping our present conventions.

If you are ready for a great read, think about this one. You’ll learn that among primates  we are the only monogamous species. You’ll learn about why we all know what that  scene from When Harry Met Sally is simulating without having to be told and without any context. You’ll learn about why human males and females differ so drastically from primates in relation to their anatomy. In short, you’ll be surprised about who are and who we may have been. You might also be shocked about some of their ultimate conclusions, but I am not going to spoil those here. In the divorce business, we are not surprised.

Sex at Dawn is a New York Times Best Seller, one of NPR’s Best Books for 2010, and an Audible.com Best Book of 2010.

Read it and let me know what you think!

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Enforcing your Court-Ordered Visitation

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 25, 2012

Gavel & ScalesSo you have tried and tried but have been unable to get the other parent to follow the court order? Have you have tried all the tips and tricks we discussed in Asking for Additional Time and Standard Visitation is Not Enough? If so, then it may be time to ask for help from the Judge.

Title 43 O.S. Section 111.3 may be your answer. Oklahoma provides that a parent who is not receiving his or her court-ordered visitation may apply to the court for an order enforcing visitation. The court is required to set the hearing within twenty-one (21) days of filing or set the case for mediation. If the court finds that visitation has been unreasonably denied then the court can do the following:

  • A specific visitation schedule;
  • Compensating visitation time for the visitation denied or otherwise interfered with, which time shall be of the same type (e.g. holiday, weekday, weekend, summer) as the visitation denied or otherwise interfered with, and shall be at the convenience of the noncustodial parent;
  • Posting of a bond, either cash or with sufficient sureties, conditioned upon compliance with the order granting visitation rights;
  • Assessment of reasonable attorney fees, mediation costs, and court costs to enforce visitation rights against the custodial parent;
  • Attendance of one or both parents at counseling or educational sessions which focus on the impact of visitation disputes on children;
  • Supervised visitation; or
  • Any other remedy the court considers appropriate, which may include an order which modifies a prior order granting child custody.

The key is that visitation must be unreasonably denied. This means that the reason the other parent said no or didn’t show for visitation was not a good reason. In my experience, if the child got sick, the parent’s car broke down, the other parent has a legitimate fear that the child will be abducted or harmed then these can be persuasive to the judge that the denial was reasonable.

 

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Saying “No” to Extra Visitation

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 20, 2012

Over the past few posts I have been discussing methods for the non-custodial parent to increase his visitation. Today I discuss how to say no to those requests that you are receiving from the non-custodial parent.

So, how does one say “no” to a request for extra visitation? I tell you how to do it by following our basic rules for saying “no”.

Keep these rules in mind:

  • Be Polite. Don’t make this personal, you don’t have to tout your rights as the decision-maker, simply say “I am sorry, we can’t”
  • Be Firm and straightforward. Make a decision and let the other parent know. It is not cool to simply avoid the other person. If you mean no, say “no” and don’t leave any ambiguity in your decision.  Tell the other parent you don’t agree and move on.
  • Give a Good (Neutral) Reason. You should have a good reason to tell the other parent “no”. When he asks for more time tell him why you disagree with the request.  Again, you shouldn’t make this personal, don’t focus on why you don’t think he is responsible enough, or “good enough” to have the visit– focus on the child’s needs (school, bedtime, other activities, prior plans, etc). This keeps the reason more neutral than making a negative comment about the other parent.
  • Offer Alternatives. If you disagree with the other parent’s request, then you should offer an alternative that you can agree with. Change the times, the places, the activities, but give the other parent an alternative to do something that you can and will allow.

Here is an example of a refusal that follows these rules:

I am sorry, John, but I don’t think it is best for Cassey to go to Skateland tonight.  She has a test tomorrow in Spanish and she still does not know her vocabulary words. If you want, you can pick her up after school tomorrow and keep her for dinner. She needs to be back by 8 pm. Let me know.

Here is an example of a refusal that breaks all the rules:

What? On a school night? Are you crazy? You never bring her back on time. I can’t count on you and until you change, I can’t let you have her. Stop bothering me about this, you have your court-ordered time and that is enough.

Keep up the hard work!

Posted in Children / Child Custody, Logistics / Problem Solving | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Asking for Additional Parenting Time

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 19, 2012

Two parents looking sternly at each other.Want to change up the parenting schedule, but can’t get the other parent to agree? You made need to change your approach. I have noticed that many people with visitation problems don’t seem to be able to effectively ask for additional visitation or modification to their custody schedules. In this post, I break down the elements of an effective request.

A effective request for additional visitation should be:

  • Polite. Keep in mind that you are asking for something that the other side does not have to give you. You shouldn’t stand on your rights, make demands, or threaten court action. Instead, you should ask politely and firmly.
  • To the point. You are asking for additional time with your children. Keep the request centered on asking for that extra time and don’t bring in other issues — especially money. Just concentrate on what you want.
  • Specific. You should provide specific details about what you want from the other parent. Don’t just ask, “Can I have the kids.” You need to be specific about why you want extra time, what you are going to do, how you are going to arrange it and where you are going to be.
  • Flexible. Don’t get stuck on your specifics, be willing to work around the other parent’s schedule or requests to get what you want. Don’t insist on 6 PM for the exchange, or having the exchange at the Wal-Mart on the West side of town, when the other parent offers you some reasonable alternative.

A detailed request should look something like this:

I would like to have Andrew for some extra time on this Sunday at 1 PM. My brother’s kids are coming over and we are having a scavenger hunt in the back yard. I know this is not my weekend, but I think this will be fun for Andrew and I would like the extra time. I can come and pick him up at 12:30 PM from your mom’s house or at the church. The scavenger hunt should last a couple of hours and we are planning dinner and ice cream for the kids. We should be finished between 6 PM and 7 PM. I will text you when we are on our way and then bring him to your house. I will have my phone with me so you can reach me at 321-1822 if you need anything. Again, I would really like to do this and I would appreciate your flexibility.

Or you could make it simpler, thus:

I’d like to see the kids this weekend. I can pick them up after lunch on Saturday and return them that evening. We will be at my house. Let me know.

The best thing about these requests is that even if the other parent refuses, you are building a great case for court. I would love to have a case where I can present to the judge multiple polite and reasonable letters that show one parent reaching out for more time with their kids and a hard-hearted, unreasonable parent denying each and every request. I am very sure we would mop the floors with the uncooperative parent. The thing is that I see very, very few cases such as this in court, and the reason I believe is that if you follow this advice you will get extra time with your kids and won’t have to ask the judge for help.

Good luck!

 

Posted in Children / Child Custody, Tips | Leave a comment

Standard Visitation Not Enough?

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 18, 2012

Batman on HalloweenHoly Halloween, Batman! Did you know that the Cleveland County Standard Minimum Visitation Schedule does not divide holidays such as Halloween or Easter? Did you know it doesn’t address birthdays either?   At best it is designed to supply about 90-120 overnight visits for the non-custodial parent. Although, designed to be the minimum visitation schedule this often is the maximum visitation that a non-custodial parent gets, and for those parentswho want to be involved it is definitely not enough.

How do we turn a maximum visitation schedule into a minimum one? The answer is : “ask for more”. Although I have heard many clients complain that they don’t want to ask the other parent, because they think they know the answer will be “no” or they think it demeans them to ask, and they just want to demand the visits. There is a better way, and we suggest that any non-custodial parent trying to expand his visitation should try the following:

  • Give at least 48 hours notice. It is important that the other parent have fair warning to adjust her schedule. Try to give a least a couple days notice, and maybe even a week if possible.
  • Communicate in writing ( texts and emails). It is best to communicate in writing to try to prevent misunderstanding. A quick e-mail will get across all the details to the other parent and you will have a record of your request. Just make sure that the e-mail is polite, targeted to communicate information about the visitation request, and avoids all other issues that are a consistent point of disagreement for both of you.
  • Schedule specific activities. I find it works better when you have particular activities in mind for your kids. Schedule a time to take the kids to the zoo, the circus, the movies or out to see their cousins. It provides a context for the extra visit.
  • Be as detailed as possible about the visit. Provide a pick-up time, a drop off time, an itinerary of what you will be doing, and a good contact number. Then you should stick to the information provided. This can help a lot when there are trust issues between you and the other parent.
  • Extend the same courtesy to the other parent. If you want flexibility, then you should offer the same. It may be harder for a non-custodial parent to give up the little time that they do have, but instead of obsessing about your number of hours, try to think about creative ways to make up the time later in a fun way that the kids will enjoy.
  • Keep track of your efforts. Sometimes your best efforts will not work to expand your visits. This is when it is time to go to court and ask the judge for relief. You are best positioned to do this when you have kept detailed records of your efforts, your correspondence, and your reasons for wanting extra time. If you have been consistent and the other parent has been unreasonable in her denials of your visits, then you have a case.

Do you want to learn more about the basis behind the  Oklahoma visitation schedules? The Administrative Office of Courts has complied a detailed report on standard visitation schedules and the guidelines that they used to construct them.

Best of luck!

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Local Parenting Magazine

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 17, 2012

For over a year I have had an idle thought that what Oklahoma needs is a resource (whether online or print) that regularly gives parents ideas about what there is to do in the Oklahoma City metro area with their children. I had even thought about developing such an idea for my law office’s website, because just because I am primarily a divorce and family law lawyer does not mean that I don’t want parents to have strong relationships with their children. In fact, I encourage my clients to develop and maintain strong relationships with their children– it is good for everyone.

LogoWhat I recently discovered is that there is already a resource available! This is Metro Family Magazine. Metro Family has both print and digital Editions. You can find it scattered throughout the Metro, in fact, I found my first copy at the Greek restaurant down the street from my office. Metro Family has a variety of sections:

  • calendar of events for family around the metro
  •  directories  for resources on field trips, parties, and summer camps
  • Featured articles on parenting
  • Other general information on family life

I will be checking this publication out and I encourage you to do the same. Parenting is something we learn from others, and the bigger our resource pool the more ideas we can use to make our family lives better.

Take care.

 

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facebook Security

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 11, 2012

Lately, I have had a few facebook contacts choose to limit the information or even limit the contacts (aka “friends”) that are connected to their facebook accounts. When I have discussed this with them, many have said that they feel like facebook is not private and they wanted to change how their information was shared. Facebook Icon

Of course, facebook is not private. Judging from activity levels the information on facebook is likely read by more people than your local newspaper. So what does this mean? It means, that you should treat your facebook account as a form of Social Advertising. You account does say something about you, and it is your responsibility to ensure that it says something positive.

Did you know that facebook does serve as a great information source for lawyers? In family law litigation, we often are interested in what you are doing every day and your opinions. Facebook can tell us where you are working, what you are doing on your time off, whom you associate with, what those people have to say about you and the things you do. We are also able to get pictures of you, your children and your friends. Also, when your friends tag you in posts, those are associated with your account and we can get that information as well.

I have had some clients choose to deactivate their accounts during the case. I cannot say that this is not a reasonable choice. It is not a good idea to share extra information that may make its way back to the other side.

Discovery & facebook.

Did you know that you can download all of your facebook data? It is easy, just click on the upper right corner arrow and select “Account Settings”. At the bottom of the page marked “General Settings” there should be a link called “Download a copy of your Facebook data.” Click this link and you will be asked if you want to archive your facebook data. Facebook will then provide you with an e-mail verifying that your archive is complete and you can download this data.

In a Divorce case, you might be asked to provide this information in discovery. So you should keep this in mind and make sure that your Social Advertising shows you in the best light.

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15 Rules for Testfying

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 10, 2012

It is not easy to get up on the stand, but if you are planning on testifying anytime soon you would be wise to review these fifteen (15)  rules for testifying. Courtroom

  1. Tell the Truth – Honesty is the best policy. Tell the truth about what you know, you saw, you did, and be careful about testifying about only what you know. Do not guess.
  2. Answer Only the Questions Asked- Don’t get distracted. It is the lawyer’s job to ask the question, and you should answer only the question the lawyer or the judge asks, otherwise you risk side tracking the testimony or giving the other side more information that you should. You should also always answer the question fully, but balance this by not volunteering extra information that is not necessary to answer the question
  3. Use the Nine-Magic-Word Answer- When asked by the opposing side “Is that all”, you should say “That is all that I can recall at this time.” This leaves the door open for more information if you remember something important later.
  4. Think About the Question – This is not a race, and it is important to get your information straight. Think about each answer. A good strategy is to take a slow and relaxed breath before answering any tough question. Don’t get in a hurry.
  5. Support Your Conclusions – After you give testimony about facts you may be asked “What do you base that on?” In a divorce case you may be asked “What is the value of your Lexus SUV?”. If you say “13,000″, be prepared to offer the reasons why you believe this to be the case.
  6. Obey the Approximation Rule – You will be asked about times, dates and numbers. If you are not for certain, you should say “approximately” when giving out this information. You can’t always be so precise, and by couching your answers as approximations you leave the door open to get the exact dates and numbers out later.
  7. Do Not Guess – Never guess at an answer without explaining that you are estimating or approximating! The facts in your testimony are important, and if you come down as definite on something that you are not it opens the door for the other side to show that you don’t know what you are talking about.
  8. Never say “Never” – Never say always! There are always exceptions, so don’t make blanket statements that can get you in trouble later.
  9. Do Not be Intimidating or Intimidated – The judge and everyone else expects you to be polite, and the judge expects this from the other side’s attorney as well. Don’t argue, make faces, raise your voice or be insulting. You will make yourself look bad and, perhaps, prejudice the judge against you.
  10. Let the Opponent Finish Asking a Question – You will not like the questions the other side’s attorney asks you, but you need to listen to the whole question before you start answering. Not only is this polite, but it will give you time to think about your answer, and answer the question you are asked instead of reacting to the question you think you are being asked.
  11. How to Point out Interruptions – The other side’s attorney may interrupt you during your answer. If they do that, then just sit quietly, and when they finish you say “I am sorry, I did not finish answering the first question” then proceed to answer.
  12. What to Do If You Are Not Sure How to Answer a Question – Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification about the question.  If you don’t understand ask the other side to repeat the question. If that fails, simply state that you do not understand the question. However, don’t do this unless you truly do not understand, and try not to do it too often. It can appear that you are trying to avoid answering the question or are making up your answers.
  13. Always Be Polite- This is like an job interview, you are on display. You should try to be very polite and gracious, even when you believe the other side is not being so themselves.
  14. Look the Judge in the Eye – In a divorce or family law case it is the judge that hears the facts and decides the case. You are really speaking to the judge, so you should try to direct your voice in his or her direction and look him or her in the eye. Show your confidence.
  15. Your Appearance – As I said, this is like a job interview. It is important to look your best so that you can convey a good impression. Remember, that judges are used to being around lawyers, and most are lawyers themselves. If you want to look professional and serious, you need to dress up in a way lawyers understand. Think about wearing a nice shirt and a tie if you are a man, or a nice blouse and a tasteful full length skirt or pants if you are a woman. Appearance matters.

Adapted from the Oklahoma Family Law Practice Manual.

 

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10 Biggest “Don’ts” During a Family Law Case

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 9, 2012

The other day at lunch with another family lawyer here in Norman, we began discussing the things that our clients do that make their cases so much harder. Out of the discussion I have come up with ten things that one should not do during their family law case.

Why? Because each of these things will make it harder for you to “win” your case, and each is guaranteed to make your case harder, more expensive, and less likely to produce good results. Some attorneys have even been known to do little dances in their offices when the opposing side does one of these things!

They are in no particular order, except for the first five, which are big DON’Ts!

Ten Don’ts During a Family Law CaseStop Sign

  1. Don’t start a new romantic relationship. Starting a new relationship is only going to incite your spouse, alienate the children, and let the other lawyer make you look foolish in front of the court. Don’t give the other side ammunition to make your case harder by jumping into a new relationship.
  2. Don’t break the law. Keep your nose clean. Criminal charges and bad behavior are going to make you look dishonest, irresponsible and unfit as a parent.
  3. Don’t move far away. Especially if you have children, you are not going to make life any easier if you decide to move far away.
  4. Don’t do drugs (illegal or those for which you have no prescription). I have always told my client that child custody cases are hard, unless one parent does drugs, then they are easy– that parent loses. Family law cases are hard enough, don’t get involved in drugs during your case.
  5. Don’t write anything down (or text) unless you want the judge to read it. My mother always said don’t write anything down that you want to keep a secret. Guess what, don’t write anything down (or send text messages) that you do not want the judge to see. If you are going to call your ex a “bitch”, don’t do it in writing.
  6. Don’t forget that the other side is recording your conversations. Are you an angry person? You will seem like one when that one argument where you lost your temper is played in court. Keep it civil and polite, like you are on stage and trying to appear like a good guy.
  7. Don’t have sex with the opposing side. It is not over if you two are still sleeping together, don’t make love one night and spend the next day in court. It is dishonest behavior and keeps the old wounds open.
  8. Don’t change employment. This is tricky because opportunities may come, but don’t quit your job to not pay child support, or pretend to be on leave, or otherwise sabotage your employment because of your case. Keep it steady, and be ready for the next step AFTER your case is over.
  9. Don’t do anything that your mother or grandmother would be ashamed of you for doing. The judge does not love you like your mother and grandmother, and may not be very forgiving of your irresponsible and uncouth behavior during your case. Wear the white hat!
  10. Don’t lie to your lawyer. Your lawyer is here to help you, and when you do something stupid (like one of the things listed above) let your lawyer know so he does not find it out the week before trial. He might be able to help you mitigate your damages. Your lying does not help anyone, and your lawyer is not here to judge you, but to help you.

 

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Google Calendar Can Save Your Sanity

By Evan Taylor | Published: January 5, 2012

What do you get when you add a full-time job to soccer practice to church activities to school schedules to an already too busy life then you through court-ordered visitation schedules on top of it all and a parent that wants to argue every time you call him or her about your kids’ hectic schedule? A real headache and probably a few years off your life– a the very least, this is not making managing these schedules any easier.

Google CalendarIs there a solution? Yes, and a simple one at that: Google Calendar. The online service provided by Google and accessible by anyone with a Google account (Get one, you need it) can save your sanity. It is a tool that I recommend to all of my clients to use to help manage their time during their divorce or when custody and visitation issues arise.

This online calendar has so many tools:

  • Users can create multiple calendars, so you can have a private one and one to share with the other parent.
  • You can assign events to private or shared calendars, and using top-line folder file tabs, switch among day, week, and monthly views. You can share these events with the other parent and they will get an e-mail from you and the calendar about the event.
  • Multiple calendars that others are sharing with you can be integrated into one view that uses color coding to distinguish the event sources.
  • You can send invitations to events just by adding someone’s e-mail address to the calendar entry itself, and you can track RSVPs to the event.
  • Google can send alarms to a browser pop-up window, e-mail, and even to your cell phone via SMS when you register your phone number or to anyone who is subscribed to the calendar

Make 2012 a little easier by using Google Calendar!

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